i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
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Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before