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It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*