[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
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Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby