Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
You Might Also Like
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
In banana years, I am bread.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”