i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
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WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
anyone else like Italian cereal
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs