I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
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Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family: