the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
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St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
adding to the discourse
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!