I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
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FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
okay run it by me one more time
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
When they try to steal your moment.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.