interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
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British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Hank is one in a melon.