[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
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So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.