Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
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I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
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Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.