(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
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*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
☺️
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up