I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
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Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Not recommended for beginners.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
incredible text to wake up to
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.