The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
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My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I’d rather fork than spoon.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Proctology is located in A55
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit