No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
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“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.