Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
🏙👨🏼
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me