Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
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Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Very suspicious that this keeps happening