Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
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I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever