There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
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GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
The “baby” on the left….
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you