If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
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Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
This is my emotional support knife.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up