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I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
#MeanwhileinCanada
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.