Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
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I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Ape together strong