This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
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Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”