joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
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just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I had to Stop for this
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”