I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
You Might Also Like
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I love wikipedia
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.