The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
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Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times