If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
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Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
translated into Canadian
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
just left a huge legacy in there
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
If snakes were wide
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.