Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
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Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all