Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
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If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”