Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
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Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
…..pretty much.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
This squirrel eats better than I do
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation