You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
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It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks