I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
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Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too