Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
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WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up