DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
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I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.