you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]