Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
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Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev