something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
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Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?