I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
You Might Also Like
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween