Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
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Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
good for her
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.