The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
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My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit