I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
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Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Money is the root of all wealth
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?