i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
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Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
What a chick magnet..
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
how much for the angry fruit?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.