What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
You Might Also Like
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)