Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
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“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it