No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
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The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time