Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
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Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Your honor these allegations are
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.