Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
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The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Cashiers are always checking me out
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
some things should go without saying
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
new year update: losing everything but weight
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…