Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
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I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all