Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
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[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.