Banderslack Clamberdorch
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Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
BRO LMFAO
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Unimpressed
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.